Steps 8 and 9 are concerned with personal relations. First, we take a look backward and try to discover where we have been at fault; next we make a vigorous attempt to repair the damage we have done; and third, having thus cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how, with our newfound knowledge of ourselves, we may develop the best possible relations with every human being we know.
On p. 86 of the BB instructs us to ask for God’s forgiveness; forgiveness foundational to redemption and peace of mind – we ask God to forgive us of our sins. Have we forgiven those who have harmed us and forgiven ourselves for things we have done to ourselves and to others?
We cannot forgive others if we cannot forgive ourselves.
From page 78 of the book 12 Steps & 12 Traditions (12&12):
These obstacles, however, are very real. The first, and one of the most difficult, has to do with forgiveness. The moment we ponder a twisted or broken relationship with another person, our emotions go on the defensive. To escape looking at the wrongs we have done another, we resentfully focus on the wrong he has done us. This is especially true if he has, in fact, behaved badly at all. Triumphantly we seize upon his misbehavior as the perfect excuse for minimizing or forgetting our own.
Right here we need to fetch ourselves up sharply. It doesn’t make much sense when a real toss pot calls a kettle black. Let’s remember that alcoholics are not the only ones bedeviled by sick emotions. Moreover, it is usually a fact that our behavior when drinking has aggravated the defects of others. We’ve repeatedly strained the patience of our best friends to a snapping point, and have brought out the very worst in those who didn’t think much of us to begin with. In many instances we are really dealing with fellow sufferers, people whose woes we have increased. If we are now about to ask forgiveness for ourselves, why shouldn’t we start out by forgiving them, one and all?
Finally Step 5, p. 57-58 of the 12&12:
This vital Step (five) was also the means by which we began to get the feeling that we could be forgiven, no matter what we had thought or done. Often it was while working on this Step with our sponsors or spiritual advisers that we first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us. Our moral inventory had persuaded us that all-round forgiveness was desirable, but it was only when we resolutely tackled Step Five that we inwardly knew we’d be able to receive forgiveness and give it, too.
In steps 5-9 we clear the wreckage, we ask for forgiveness, and we offer it freely to those that have harmed us. This frees us from the negative emotions that damaged past relationships and allows us to grow and in some cases, develop positive relationships moving forward.
How has forgiveness (both giving and receiving) improved your relationships with God and with others?